I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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