nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
