Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
