i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize