whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
