There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
