My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize