Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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