How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
