At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
false alarm, still single
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