I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
