how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
