Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
