My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I skipped work to stalk him.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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