I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
