I don't remember. Are we still dating?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
