Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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