In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
In America we eat man semen.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
