I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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