two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
