i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
