Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
