You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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