pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
