OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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