just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
