Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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