I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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