we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
