3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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