Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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