I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
