You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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