He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
