she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
