I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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