the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
