Im at strip club and am horny
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
