There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
