I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
