Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
