Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
