I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
