It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
