Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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