True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
