When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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