I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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