his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
