I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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