I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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