So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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