The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
