I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
