those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
