new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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