What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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